MK Update 6/28/2013

Good morning, Army!! Sorry I didn't get this update out yesterday, but I had some type of allergic reaction in my right arm during my procedure yesterday; so, they pushed a ton of Benadryl through my IV and I literally slept all day and night. But this morning I am wide awake and feeling GREAT!! Thanks so much to each of you for the prayers! We received the most amazing news yesterday! Dr. Kamat found NO other cancer cells in my bladder and said that the initial tumor was basically like a wart that had been removed and there was NOTHING remaining...as a result I do NOT have to do the BCG treatments!! I just have to see him every three months to check for recurrence...and if another tumor appears he will just go in and remove that as well. What a change from four weeks ago!! I sat in his office four weeks ago and listened to him tell me that from the report he had from my initial surgery where the tumor was removed it didn't look very good. He said that bladder tumors ranged from something similar to a wart that is easy to treat and not likely to return all the way up to a tumor that has pushed through the lining of the bladder and into the muscle or outside of the bladder. He guessed that mine was somewhere in the middle of all of that but said that it could be worse in which case I would be looking at 14 months or less to live. So, the last four weeks, I have been prayerful and hopeful that the tumor would be contained to the wall and at worst would have minimal invasion of the muscle and I was preparing myself for the three year regimen of BCG treatments he said I would start six weeks after surgery. When I woke up from surgery, Brucie told me what Dr. Kamat found and I literally did not believe what he was telling me. I asked him over and over, "are you lying to me?". I usually ask, "what time is it" over and over after a surgery, but yesterday that was replaced with "are you lying to me"...and I asked him that at least 25 times. Contained to the bladder...NO BCG treatments...just a wart-like tumor...this is all a direct result of each of you and your constant prayers for me, for my family, for my Brucie, and for the doctors and nurses here at MD Anderson!! After my experience at the waterfall Wednesday night, a had a peace in my heart and in my soul like I just cannot describe in words. I slept so well Wednesday night and was not anxious at all...not one little ounce...before surgery yesterday. I didn't know what I was going to hear when I woke up, but I was okay knowing that I was in God's hands...and was surrounded by each of you...and I was at peace...and that darkness was gone!! WE beat down that darkness BEFORE my surgery!! Today I awake looking forward to closing out this chapter and starting a new chapter working diligently to carry out His plan for me. We will remain diligent and watchful, so if a tumor does return we can stomp it out quickly. I will continue to update you as I have appointments and follow-ups. I just can't thank each of you enough for all you have done for me and for my family, especially my Brucie, during all of this!! I am blessed beyond measure to have such an amazing Army of Angels, both earthly and heavenly, that have literally raised up my arms during battle when I was too weary to do it on my own. Today WE celebrate this victory and WE give all Glory to our Heavenly Father for his grace and his healing touch! I love you and thank you for all you have done (and will continue to do) for me!! God bless each of you!! Love you much!!! Big hugs, big tears, lots of smiles!!! MK Hebrews 11:1 Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. AMEN!!!

MK Update 6/26/2013

Hello Army!! Hope you are all well!! Tomorrow is the big day!! I have to be there at 7:00 and assume my surgery will start around 9:00. I want to thank each of you for your continued prayers, support, and love. The past few weeks have at times seemed to drag along but at times have flown by...for the most part, I have had much less anxiety and fear...and that is a direct result of your prayers!! Yesterday was an extremely uplifting and inspiring day!! Brucie's Jr. Lady Southerners had t-shirts made that say "MK's Warriors" (in navy blue and vegas gold, of course)...and all my co-workers and several of their kids had the shirts on yesterday. Then, the MKSA staff and all the kids gathered in the front of our building and I got tons of hugs and an awesome basket full of gift and an awesome binder full of scriptures, inspirational quotes and songs, and messages from members of this Army. Yes, yesterday was wonderful!!

And today has been good. We had no travel problems and made it to Houston...where it is very HOT...with no troubles. We ate at The Cheesecake Factory (compliments of my dear friend Courtney and my mom). I ate fried mac and cheese and chicken and biscuits...I'm pretty sure about half way through the meal I slipped into a food coma!! We both got a piece of cheesecake to bring back with us to our hotel. I am going to eat it at 11:59 tonight...sure hope I don't get sick after surgery tomorrow...that would not be pretty!!! We got back to the hotel and Brucie was in need of a Mountain Dew. Let me just tell you, Coke has corned the market in the Texas Medical Park!! We started walking all around looking for a Mountain Dew. We walked and we walked and we walked...and no Mountain Dew...but we did a good job of working off the fried mac and cheese! We finally found ONE Mountain Dew in the snack shop of a Marriot Hotel several blocks from our hotel. We started back to our hotel and again we walked and we walked and we walked...and we had no idea where we were. The entire time we walked, I was quietly singing in my mind "Here I Am Lord". I just could not get that song out of my head. I was trying to talk to Brucie, but I just continued to hear that song. And we just continued to walk...and in my head I am hearing "Hear I am Lord, Is it I Lord...I have heard you calling in the night..." over and over. And then I just started singing it...and singing it loudly...and I don't sing well...but I was singing...and Brucie started singing with me. And then we rounded a corner and on the backside of the main hospital at MD Anderson was the most glorious waterfall and fountain. It had tons of water, pouring over a wall and it had beautiful lights with giant sprays of water. I walked up to that fountain and the water was spraying all over me...and it was glorious!! It was God and he was saying, "yes, you hear me this night...because I am here...I have been here...and I will continue to be here!" And I cried...cried because once again God showed me his awesome power and amazing grace! He used that Mountain Dew...that $3.00, 20 ounce Mountain Dew to get me to where I needed to be. All the time walking, He was trying to talk to me and I just kept trying to push Him out and trudge on...but He wasn't going to let that happen this night!! He reminded me in a very bold and grand way, that He has a plan for me...and though I don't always know or understand the plan, it's the plan He has for me! I feel such peace tonight! I have no idea what we will find out tomorrow. But I am ready. I am ready to know what we are dealing with and what our plan of attack will be. Selfishly, I have lots of plans for myself…plans with my family and friends. But tonight I was reminded that no matter what…I’m going to be okay…because “Here I am, Lord...it IS I Lord...and I have heard you calling”!! I ask that each of you enlist as many people as you can to join my Army and pray for us tomorrow morning. My only fear is that Brucie will have to hear and then give me bad news. This will be my first surgery without my mom and/or dad with us...Brucie's first time to do this all alone. I know this will be difficult for him...so please say extra prayers for my Brucie!! I thank each of you for the prayer support!! I will update you guys as soon as we know something...which could be several days. Much love to you all!! Big hugs, big tears, lots of smiles!! MK Hebrews 11:1 Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see.

MK Update 6/6/2013

Hello Army!! Just wanted to pass along a quick update. I want to thank each of you for sharing my blog and enlisting so many new members of my Army. I also want to thank you for the prayers, the calls, the gifts, the flowers, the text messages, the inbox messages, the e-mails, and the love!!! Sunday was a difficult day. It was my first time out "in public" after I requested help from my Army. Church was hard and I felt very anxious. I went home and crawled in the bed and didn't want to get out of my "safe place". But Brucie wasn't going to let me fall all the way back into the darkness. He got me up and we went to the zoo. It was nice to get out, but I still just didn't want to talk to anyone...not even my family. I got up Monday with a new attitude and was excited to get back to work and our normal routine. I made it through Monday without crying. Each time I felt like the darkness was coming, a member of this Army would step in and pull me out of the darkness. I had so many messages and texts from people telling me that God had placed me on their heart. I'm so thankful that they listened to His message and helped at least keep my head out of the darkness. Each day this week has been better and better, and I have gone from feeling as though I am slowly but surely trudging out of the darkness to feeling like I might actually be jogging out of the darkness. My friend Leslie Bragg-Gitz has sent me a message or video every night at around 8:00. Wednesday night I found myself not looking at the clock and dreading 8:00 but excited to see what Leslie would be sending me. And for the past two nights I have gone to bed without taking a pill to help me sleep...which is a big victory!! Last night, I had strawberry shortcake at the Bulldog in Bald Knob with three dear friends and that was a nice "escape" from the reality of this cancer. But the best news came today!! I received a call today from MD Anderson with the pathology results from the tumor that was removed in Batesville on May 9th. The results show a low-grade tumor that is contained to the bladder!!!!! I was so shocked to hear him say "low grade" that I made him repeat the results. I said "this is good news, right?" He said, "yes, it means we do not have to remove your bladder." Wow!!! I'd say that is beyond good news...and has everything to do with the fact that this Army, this amazing Army of family, friends, and total strangers, stepped up to my literal scream for help...and low-grade, contained to the bladder is the result! Today I cried...but tears of joy and relief and praise and thanksgiving!! The darkness is still there, but today WE punched it in the mouth and in the gut and man it felt great!! Today, I am running out of that darkness!! But the darkness is relentless and it will give a good chase. It's going to run after me until June 27th when I have that surgery. I'm still cautious...concerned about what Dr. Kamat will find during the surgery...that there are "roots" hanging around...or other "plants" in the "soil"...but today I am going to rejoice...and I'm going to enjoy this "win"...and I'm going to start preparing for the next "game"...because this is going to be a long "season"...and though I might not go undefeated, I will have many more wins because I have each of you on my team!! David was right...I don't internalize things well...and I need my Army. I'm thankful that I finally realized there was no way I was going to get out of the darkness by myself and the help of my family and a few close friends. Please continue to pray for my peace of mind...pray that Dr. Kamat won't find any additional "plants" in the "soil"...pray for my Brucie that he can continue to bear the brunt of my emotions. This has been a good week and Sunday is going to be a wonderful day!! DD and Evans will be baptized and our families will be there to celebrate...and that darkness won't stand a chance!!! I love each of you and thank you for what you have done and what you will continue to do for me and my family!! Big hugs, big tears, lots of smiles!! MK Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

MK Update 5/31/2013 - here I am again...

Hello Army! Well here I am once again to enlist the help of my Army of Angels. I apologize for the length of this message, but there is a lot I need to tell you! I need to give you some history to catch you up to this date so you will understand fully my needs. In January, my oncologist explained that in August I will have taken the Tamoxifen for five years. Tamoxifen is the medication that helps keep my hormones in check since my breast cancer was basically hormone fed. She said that I had two options…I could have a hysterectomy and oophorectomy (removal of ovaries) and continue taking the Tamoxifen for another five years, or I could get to August and stop the Tamoxifen and wait and see if the cancer ever returns. So, I chose the first option because you guys know me well and I have never been a “wait and see” kind of person. So, on April 17, Dr. Carlton performed the surgery…and all went well…except…while she was doing the surgery she decided to check inside my bladder to make sure everything looked ok…and she saw something that “looked funny” to her. She referred me to an urologist. I went to the urologist on May 1, and he looked in my bladder and said the “something funny” was a cancer tumor. He said that he thought it was minor and likely contained to the bladder and we could just have surgery and remove it and that would be the end of it other than watching me closely for recurrence. I was MAD…and I mean fighting mad. I wanted to beat someone or something up…I was MAD. And then I was embarrassed…I mean who in the world gets two different kinds of cancer before the age of 40…and in my bladder…really?? So, I scheduled the surgery and told only my family and a few of my closest friends and made them all promise not to tell. I just didn’t want to hear “oh I’m so sorry” and “bless your heart” and every other negative, pitiful thing that would in all probability come out of the majority of people’s mouths. I had the surgery on May 9 and it was simple and I was able to get through that with no problems. But, the urologist called me on May 15 to tell me that the pathology report was back and although the cancer was contained to my bladder it was larger than expected and growing at a rapid pace so I would need BCG treatments once a week for six weeks. By this time, I was exhausted. Exhausted from keeping the secret, exhausted from being mad, exhausted from trying to figure out why this was happening to me again…just downright mentally spent. So, like an idiot I went home that night and after we got the kids in bed I started researching bladder cancer on the internet…big mistake…huge…I basically had the meltdown to end all meltdowns and I took it all out on my precious Brucie. And boy did I ever…I screamed at him and yelled at him. I told him things like “you just need to find a better wife and mother for you and our kids” and “I’m not going to be here much longer and you won’t have to put up with my craziness” and truthfully those were probably the nicest two things I said. Then I made him leave me alone locked in our bathroom. I sent a text to my parents that honestly had to be one of the worst things they have ever read. And I called my older brother and don’t even know what I said. It was ugly…UGLY!! Within about fifteen minutes, my brother was at my house I had not asked him to come, but because he has always been my Superman there he was to rescue me AGAIN. And he coached me up…and he coached me hard…and he told me the ugly things I needed to hear…and it hurt…and it hurt down deep…but he knew it was what I needed to hear. And after that, like always, he started helping me come up with a plan. And I promised him that no matter how good or how bad or how ugly things got, I would fight and fight hard…for him and for everyone else. The only thing I would not agree to do was to enlist the help of my Army. He said that a big part of my problem was trying to keep this a secret and to internalize all of this mess…and I’m obviously not good at that. But I still just didn’t want the pity. So, I contacted my oncologist and asked my best friend, Katherine, to contact her dad who is a very well-respected doctor. They both said it was time for me to go to MD Anderson in Houston for an evaluation. The referral was made and Brucie and I traveled there for appointments this week. MD Anderson is AMAZING! The people are so nice and professional. They all try to make you feel comfortable. There was a lady playing the harp in the CT scan waiting room…I mean this place is world class. Tuesday, I had an appointment with Dr. Kamat who is one of the top bladder cancer doctors in the world. There was some confusion in getting my records from my surgery. He needed the actual tumor slides and the hospital had not sent those, so rather than get more solid answers, I just received more speculation. Dr. Kamat said that he wants to do another surgery and look at my bladder. But first he wants to get the slides and give me six weeks to heal from the first surgery before he goes in to check. He also ordered a more in depth CT scan of my bladder, kidneys and surrounding organs. He said that it would not be good if it had spread but if it is contained to the bladder I would need to do the BCG treatments for the next three years. BCG is basically an immune-booster that would be injected directly into my bladder and would work to boost the good cells so they can fight off the cancer cells. There are very minimal side effects. It’s not like taking chemo…which is good. Tuesday was a long, hard day. We decided to go out for a nice dinner and then do some shopping. Dinner was great and we laughed a lot. We went to a huge mall and found The Cheesecake Factory…so of course we had to have some dessert. We were sitting very close to a young couple. We could hear everything they were saying and they were having a major discussion about developing a plan to move out of one place and in to another. The young wife was very concerned about cleaning one of the places and a major discussion ensued between them. Suddenly, said dude stands up, yells “excuse me” to her, throws his napkin down in his chair, and storms out of the restaurant. And all I could do was burst out laughing. And I could not stop, and Brucie was laughing…and the poor young wife was crying…and there the three of us sat….and then said dude returned and he said, “Honey, I am your husband and when you talk to me like that it is disrespectful” and I just totally lost it…I almost peed in my pants laughing. I just wanted to grab said dude by the shoulders and scream at him, “Just clean your freaking apartment and enjoy each other. Throw bleach on your clothes and ENJOY cleaning the toilet. Soak up every second and love each other. Chase your dreams and don’t look back. And give some respect if you expect to get some in return.” But all I did was laugh. And it felt so good. But of course 8:00 came and all the laugher was gone. We had some appointments on Wednesday and then came home. I was so glad to be home! I got the preliminary results of my CT scan Thursday and it was good…nothing had spread outside of the bladder. Dr. Kamat now just needs to do the surgery to see what is going on in my bladder. He described the tumor that was removed as a plant…and the urologist removed the plant, but Dr. Kamat needs to see if the urologist got the roots and what remains in the surround soil. He will do that with some kind of special blue light. That surgery is scheduled for June 27. So here we are again. And again I need your help. The past six weeks have been terrible. I had a hysterectomy on Wednesday and was back to work the following Monday. I had a secret bladder surgery on Thursday and was back at work on the following Monday. I have gotten up every morning and slapped (and I mean slapped) on my happy face and gone to work and church and meetings and social functions and had on my happy face. I get home every evening and Brucie and I take care of the kids and the dogs until they are all in bed at 8:00…and then I fall apart. And again, my precious Brucie has had to endure six weeks of me falling apart every night at 8:00. This time is so different. With the breast cancer I honestly never thought that it would shorten my life in any way. I always just knew I was going to beat that cancer. But this time I have not felt like that….maybe because it was such a shock. I have always been afraid that I would end up with leukemia from the chemo but a totally new cancer in a completely different area of my body…well that thought never entered my mind. And for the first time ever in my life, I let myself say “why me” and “this isn’t fair”…and the darkness just sucked me right in…and it hasn’t let me out. I’ve spent way too much time in that dark hole of ugly the past six weeks. It’s a terrible, terrible place. It wraps you up and it won’t let you go…and it’s mean, oh so very mean. It steals your peace of mind. It steals your happy. It steals your faith. It steals your heart. It just steals. And I’ve tried so hard to get out of the darkness…but the harder I try the further down in the hole I go. But, Tuesday night after our first day at MD Anderson, I just let all of the darkness out…laying there in the bed wrapped up in Brucie’s arms I just poured it out. I just told him the terrible feelings and thoughts that were consuming every second of my life and I cried…cried like I have never cried in my life…and there he was to hold me and say all the right things…and to pray with me. And right there I made a promise to myself that I was going to fight hard to get out of the darkness and I was going to win. My first goal was to make it through Wednesday without crying. Well, that got shot to snot when Brucie prayed at breakfast, but those tears were of a joyful and faithful nature…so I gave myself a pass. But once again at 8:00 last night while in the shower, I lost it again. And again, Brucie was there. Each day is getting better. I read something Wednesday morning that said you can let a mess define you or refine you. For the past six weeks my mess has been defining me, but now I am determined to be refined by this and to have faith and hope. I don’t know what God’s plan is for me in all of this. I don’t know how long I have left on this earth. I don’t know how ugly this is going to get. I just don’t know. But I do know that God has a plan and in that plan I’m going to be okay. And really that’s all I need to know. But I told Brucie today that I wasn’t going to get out of the darkness without the help of my Army. And I have exhausted my family and close friends and it’s time to get them some help too! So here I am…once again asking for your prayers…and for each of you to enlist others to join my Army of Angels. And to know that I need positive energy surrounding me…and I DO NOT NEED PITY!! I will keep you posted…but probably won’t know much until after my surgery in late June. I love you guys and feel so thankful to have such an amazing Army that I can call upon in my time of need. Please also pray for my Brucie, my family, and my close friends. They have seen a very scary side of me the past six weeks…and I know it has been hard on them…but man they have been AMAZING!! I already feel so much better just getting this out…it’s 9:28 and I haven’t fallen apart…and I think I might just make it the rest of the night with no tears!! And that, dear friends, is going to be a great feeling! I thank you now for all you will do for me as we continue on this journey!! Big hugs, big tears, lots of love!!! MK “In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; he saved me from all my troubles. For the angel of the Lord is a guard; he surrounds and defends all who fear him.” Psalm 34:6-7