Hello Army! Well here I am once again to enlist the help of my Army of Angels. I apologize for the length of this message, but there is a lot I need to tell you! I need to give you some history to catch you up to this date so you will understand fully my needs. In January, my oncologist explained that in August I will have taken the Tamoxifen for five years. Tamoxifen is the medication that helps keep my hormones in check since my breast cancer was basically hormone fed. She said that I had two options…I could have a hysterectomy and oophorectomy (removal of ovaries) and continue taking the Tamoxifen for another five years, or I could get to August and stop the Tamoxifen and wait and see if the cancer ever returns. So, I chose the first option because you guys know me well and I have never been a “wait and see” kind of person. So, on April 17, Dr. Carlton performed the surgery…and all went well…except…while she was doing the surgery she decided to check inside my bladder to make sure everything looked ok…and she saw something that “looked funny” to her. She referred me to an urologist.
I went to the urologist on May 1, and he looked in my bladder and said the “something funny” was a cancer tumor. He said that he thought it was minor and likely contained to the bladder and we could just have surgery and remove it and that would be the end of it other than watching me closely for recurrence. I was MAD…and I mean fighting mad. I wanted to beat someone or something up…I was MAD. And then I was embarrassed…I mean who in the world gets two different kinds of cancer before the age of 40…and in my bladder…really?? So, I scheduled the surgery and told only my family and a few of my closest friends and made them all promise not to tell. I just didn’t want to hear “oh I’m so sorry” and “bless your heart” and every other negative, pitiful thing that would in all probability come out of the majority of people’s mouths. I had the surgery on May 9 and it was simple and I was able to get through that with no problems. But, the urologist called me on May 15 to tell me that the pathology report was back and although the cancer was contained to my bladder it was larger than expected and growing at a rapid pace so I would need BCG treatments once a week for six weeks.
By this time, I was exhausted. Exhausted from keeping the secret, exhausted from being mad, exhausted from trying to figure out why this was happening to me again…just downright mentally spent. So, like an idiot I went home that night and after we got the kids in bed I started researching bladder cancer on the internet…big mistake…huge…I basically had the meltdown to end all meltdowns and I took it all out on my precious Brucie. And boy did I ever…I screamed at him and yelled at him. I told him things like “you just need to find a better wife and mother for you and our kids” and “I’m not going to be here much longer and you won’t have to put up with my craziness” and truthfully those were probably the nicest two things I said. Then I made him leave me alone locked in our bathroom. I sent a text to my parents that honestly had to be one of the worst things they have ever read. And I called my older brother and don’t even know what I said. It was ugly…UGLY!! Within about fifteen minutes, my brother was at my house I had not asked him to come, but because he has always been my Superman there he was to rescue me AGAIN. And he coached me up…and he coached me hard…and he told me the ugly things I needed to hear…and it hurt…and it hurt down deep…but he knew it was what I needed to hear. And after that, like always, he started helping me come up with a plan. And I promised him that no matter how good or how bad or how ugly things got, I would fight and fight hard…for him and for everyone else. The only thing I would not agree to do was to enlist the help of my Army. He said that a big part of my problem was trying to keep this a secret and to internalize all of this mess…and I’m obviously not good at that. But I still just didn’t want the pity. So, I contacted my oncologist and asked my best friend, Katherine, to contact her dad who is a very well-respected doctor. They both said it was time for me to go to MD Anderson in Houston for an evaluation. The referral was made and Brucie and I traveled there for appointments this week.
MD Anderson is AMAZING! The people are so nice and professional. They all try to make you feel comfortable. There was a lady playing the harp in the CT scan waiting room…I mean this place is world class. Tuesday, I had an appointment with Dr. Kamat who is one of the top bladder cancer doctors in the world. There was some confusion in getting my records from my surgery. He needed the actual tumor slides and the hospital had not sent those, so rather than get more solid answers, I just received more speculation. Dr. Kamat said that he wants to do another surgery and look at my bladder. But first he wants to get the slides and give me six weeks to heal from the first surgery before he goes in to check. He also ordered a more in depth CT scan of my bladder, kidneys and surrounding organs. He said that it would not be good if it had spread but if it is contained to the bladder I would need to do the BCG treatments for the next three years. BCG is basically an immune-booster that would be injected directly into my bladder and would work to boost the good cells so they can fight off the cancer cells. There are very minimal side effects. It’s not like taking chemo…which is good.
Tuesday was a long, hard day. We decided to go out for a nice dinner and then do some shopping. Dinner was great and we laughed a lot. We went to a huge mall and found The Cheesecake Factory…so of course we had to have some dessert. We were sitting very close to a young couple. We could hear everything they were saying and they were having a major discussion about developing a plan to move out of one place and in to another. The young wife was very concerned about cleaning one of the places and a major discussion ensued between them. Suddenly, said dude stands up, yells “excuse me” to her, throws his napkin down in his chair, and storms out of the restaurant. And all I could do was burst out laughing. And I could not stop, and Brucie was laughing…and the poor young wife was crying…and there the three of us sat….and then said dude returned and he said, “Honey, I am your husband and when you talk to me like that it is disrespectful” and I just totally lost it…I almost peed in my pants laughing. I just wanted to grab said dude by the shoulders and scream at him, “Just clean your freaking apartment and enjoy each other. Throw bleach on your clothes and ENJOY cleaning the toilet. Soak up every second and love each other. Chase your dreams and don’t look back. And give some respect if you expect to get some in return.” But all I did was laugh. And it felt so good. But of course 8:00 came and all the laugher was gone. We had some appointments on Wednesday and then came home. I was so glad to be home!
I got the preliminary results of my CT scan Thursday and it was good…nothing had spread outside of the bladder. Dr. Kamat now just needs to do the surgery to see what is going on in my bladder. He described the tumor that was removed as a plant…and the urologist removed the plant, but Dr. Kamat needs to see if the urologist got the roots and what remains in the surround soil. He will do that with some kind of special blue light. That surgery is scheduled for June 27.
So here we are again. And again I need your help. The past six weeks have been terrible. I had a hysterectomy on Wednesday and was back to work the following Monday. I had a secret bladder surgery on Thursday and was back at work on the following Monday. I have gotten up every morning and slapped (and I mean slapped) on my happy face and gone to work and church and meetings and social functions and had on my happy face. I get home every evening and Brucie and I take care of the kids and the dogs until they are all in bed at 8:00…and then I fall apart. And again, my precious Brucie has had to endure six weeks of me falling apart every night at 8:00.
This time is so different. With the breast cancer I honestly never thought that it would shorten my life in any way. I always just knew I was going to beat that cancer. But this time I have not felt like that….maybe because it was such a shock. I have always been afraid that I would end up with leukemia from the chemo but a totally new cancer in a completely different area of my body…well that thought never entered my mind. And for the first time ever in my life, I let myself say “why me” and “this isn’t fair”…and the darkness just sucked me right in…and it hasn’t let me out. I’ve spent way too much time in that dark hole of ugly the past six weeks. It’s a terrible, terrible place. It wraps you up and it won’t let you go…and it’s mean, oh so very mean. It steals your peace of mind. It steals your happy. It steals your faith. It steals your heart. It just steals. And I’ve tried so hard to get out of the darkness…but the harder I try the further down in the hole I go. But, Tuesday night after our first day at MD Anderson, I just let all of the darkness out…laying there in the bed wrapped up in Brucie’s arms I just poured it out. I just told him the terrible feelings and thoughts that were consuming every second of my life and I cried…cried like I have never cried in my life…and there he was to hold me and say all the right things…and to pray with me. And right there I made a promise to myself that I was going to fight hard to get out of the darkness and I was going to win. My first goal was to make it through Wednesday without crying. Well, that got shot to snot when Brucie prayed at breakfast, but those tears were of a joyful and faithful nature…so I gave myself a pass. But once again at 8:00 last night while in the shower, I lost it again. And again, Brucie was there. Each day is getting better. I read something Wednesday morning that said you can let a mess define you or refine you. For the past six weeks my mess has been defining me, but now I am determined to be refined by this and to have faith and hope. I don’t know what God’s plan is for me in all of this. I don’t know how long I have left on this earth. I don’t know how ugly this is going to get. I just don’t know. But I do know that God has a plan and in that plan I’m going to be okay. And really that’s all I need to know. But I told Brucie today that I wasn’t going to get out of the darkness without the help of my Army. And I have exhausted my family and close friends and it’s time to get them some help too! So here I am…once again asking for your prayers…and for each of you to enlist others to join my Army of Angels. And to know that I need positive energy surrounding me…and I DO NOT NEED PITY!! I will keep you posted…but probably won’t know much until after my surgery in late June. I love you guys and feel so thankful to have such an amazing Army that I can call upon in my time of need. Please also pray for my Brucie, my family, and my close friends. They have seen a very scary side of me the past six weeks…and I know it has been hard on them…but man they have been AMAZING!! I already feel so much better just getting this out…it’s 9:28 and I haven’t fallen apart…and I think I might just make it the rest of the night with no tears!! And that, dear friends, is going to be a great feeling! I thank you now for all you will do for me as we continue on this journey!! Big hugs, big tears, lots of love!!! MK
“In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; he saved me from all my troubles. For the angel of the Lord is a guard; he surrounds and defends all who fear him.” Psalm 34:6-7
MD Anderson is AMAZING! The people are so nice and professional. They all try to make you feel comfortable. There was a lady playing the harp in the CT scan waiting room…I mean this place is world class. Tuesday, I had an appointment with Dr. Kamat who is one of the top bladder cancer doctors in the world. There was some confusion in getting my records from my surgery. He needed the actual tumor slides and the hospital had not sent those, so rather than get more solid answers, I just received more speculation. Dr. Kamat said that he wants to do another surgery and look at my bladder. But first he wants to get the slides and give me six weeks to heal from the first surgery before he goes in to check. He also ordered a more in depth CT scan of my bladder, kidneys and surrounding organs. He said that it would not be good if it had spread but if it is contained to the bladder I would need to do the BCG treatments for the next three years. BCG is basically an immune-booster that would be injected directly into my bladder and would work to boost the good cells so they can fight off the cancer cells. There are very minimal side effects. It’s not like taking chemo…which is good.
Tuesday was a long, hard day. We decided to go out for a nice dinner and then do some shopping. Dinner was great and we laughed a lot. We went to a huge mall and found The Cheesecake Factory…so of course we had to have some dessert. We were sitting very close to a young couple. We could hear everything they were saying and they were having a major discussion about developing a plan to move out of one place and in to another. The young wife was very concerned about cleaning one of the places and a major discussion ensued between them. Suddenly, said dude stands up, yells “excuse me” to her, throws his napkin down in his chair, and storms out of the restaurant. And all I could do was burst out laughing. And I could not stop, and Brucie was laughing…and the poor young wife was crying…and there the three of us sat….and then said dude returned and he said, “Honey, I am your husband and when you talk to me like that it is disrespectful” and I just totally lost it…I almost peed in my pants laughing. I just wanted to grab said dude by the shoulders and scream at him, “Just clean your freaking apartment and enjoy each other. Throw bleach on your clothes and ENJOY cleaning the toilet. Soak up every second and love each other. Chase your dreams and don’t look back. And give some respect if you expect to get some in return.” But all I did was laugh. And it felt so good. But of course 8:00 came and all the laugher was gone. We had some appointments on Wednesday and then came home. I was so glad to be home!
I got the preliminary results of my CT scan Thursday and it was good…nothing had spread outside of the bladder. Dr. Kamat now just needs to do the surgery to see what is going on in my bladder. He described the tumor that was removed as a plant…and the urologist removed the plant, but Dr. Kamat needs to see if the urologist got the roots and what remains in the surround soil. He will do that with some kind of special blue light. That surgery is scheduled for June 27.
So here we are again. And again I need your help. The past six weeks have been terrible. I had a hysterectomy on Wednesday and was back to work the following Monday. I had a secret bladder surgery on Thursday and was back at work on the following Monday. I have gotten up every morning and slapped (and I mean slapped) on my happy face and gone to work and church and meetings and social functions and had on my happy face. I get home every evening and Brucie and I take care of the kids and the dogs until they are all in bed at 8:00…and then I fall apart. And again, my precious Brucie has had to endure six weeks of me falling apart every night at 8:00.
This time is so different. With the breast cancer I honestly never thought that it would shorten my life in any way. I always just knew I was going to beat that cancer. But this time I have not felt like that….maybe because it was such a shock. I have always been afraid that I would end up with leukemia from the chemo but a totally new cancer in a completely different area of my body…well that thought never entered my mind. And for the first time ever in my life, I let myself say “why me” and “this isn’t fair”…and the darkness just sucked me right in…and it hasn’t let me out. I’ve spent way too much time in that dark hole of ugly the past six weeks. It’s a terrible, terrible place. It wraps you up and it won’t let you go…and it’s mean, oh so very mean. It steals your peace of mind. It steals your happy. It steals your faith. It steals your heart. It just steals. And I’ve tried so hard to get out of the darkness…but the harder I try the further down in the hole I go. But, Tuesday night after our first day at MD Anderson, I just let all of the darkness out…laying there in the bed wrapped up in Brucie’s arms I just poured it out. I just told him the terrible feelings and thoughts that were consuming every second of my life and I cried…cried like I have never cried in my life…and there he was to hold me and say all the right things…and to pray with me. And right there I made a promise to myself that I was going to fight hard to get out of the darkness and I was going to win. My first goal was to make it through Wednesday without crying. Well, that got shot to snot when Brucie prayed at breakfast, but those tears were of a joyful and faithful nature…so I gave myself a pass. But once again at 8:00 last night while in the shower, I lost it again. And again, Brucie was there. Each day is getting better. I read something Wednesday morning that said you can let a mess define you or refine you. For the past six weeks my mess has been defining me, but now I am determined to be refined by this and to have faith and hope. I don’t know what God’s plan is for me in all of this. I don’t know how long I have left on this earth. I don’t know how ugly this is going to get. I just don’t know. But I do know that God has a plan and in that plan I’m going to be okay. And really that’s all I need to know. But I told Brucie today that I wasn’t going to get out of the darkness without the help of my Army. And I have exhausted my family and close friends and it’s time to get them some help too! So here I am…once again asking for your prayers…and for each of you to enlist others to join my Army of Angels. And to know that I need positive energy surrounding me…and I DO NOT NEED PITY!! I will keep you posted…but probably won’t know much until after my surgery in late June. I love you guys and feel so thankful to have such an amazing Army that I can call upon in my time of need. Please also pray for my Brucie, my family, and my close friends. They have seen a very scary side of me the past six weeks…and I know it has been hard on them…but man they have been AMAZING!! I already feel so much better just getting this out…it’s 9:28 and I haven’t fallen apart…and I think I might just make it the rest of the night with no tears!! And that, dear friends, is going to be a great feeling! I thank you now for all you will do for me as we continue on this journey!! Big hugs, big tears, lots of love!!! MK
“In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; he saved me from all my troubles. For the angel of the Lord is a guard; he surrounds and defends all who fear him.” Psalm 34:6-7
10 comments:
YOU are amazing. What a testimony already and so much more to come.
I will pray for you and yours daily...for peace, for healing.
You go, girl!
Consider me a member of you Army, and I am honored. You are so loved and will have many praying for you. Now polish your armor and fight! You go, girl!
I will definetly bring this before my church and together we will take it to the Lord!!!!
Mary Katherine, you so got this! Fight Hard...cry when ya need to, but always get back up! You and your family will be in my prayers daily! Sending you well wishes! <3 God Bless
Praying for you and your family!!!
Praying for you and your precious family!......consider me "enlisted"......
Wow... I am so proud of the strength and class that you have shown. Of course I wouldnt expect anything less from you and your family. You guys are all in our thoughts and prayers. You are truly an inspiration to all that know you.
Praying for peace, comfort, guidance, and healing for you all! God bless and be with you!
It's time to make some more lemonade!! God's will is not always understood but is always the best thing for us. Regardless of what the next few days/weeks bring.....you are riding in the palm of His hand. You know that you are loved and respected by many and your army is locked and loaded in the prayer warrior mode.
Mary Kathrine you are truly one of the strongest people I have ever came to know! I truly love you and your husband. Two of the finest people in the world! I was trying to think of something to say that might help and words are sometimes hard to find so I thought I would leave you with a couple of quotes that I really like, they came from a book I read when I was taking chemo. "You can't change the cards your dealt, just how you play the hand". And my favorite is this one, "It's not how hard you hit. It's how hard you get hit and keep moving forward"!! Love ya and praying for you!! Last thing, you know I was in the Marine Corps, so we might have to call it the Corps of Angels!! Lol. Just kidding!
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